There's Something About Maria
by batman100
Summary: Maria has been acting rather strangely on the Helicarrier. Biting Steve on the neck, red eyes, and having a forked tongue? Only one word can describe it: VAMPIRE... or *can* it? Hilarious and disastrous events abound!
1. Chapter 1

**There's Something About Maria by Batman100**

**Author's Note: To be fair, this was a little shoutout by Smenzer's Star Wars fic I'm Sorry Master. After seeing it, I wondered how funny it would be if Maria was a vampire. She's not the only one… ****SPOILER**

**Here's the first chapter**

**Chapter 1: Eventful Night**

It was a quiet and beautiful night in the SHIELD Helicarrier and all was silent, except for a figure slinking into Captain America's cabin. As the fish-out-of-water supersoldier rested, Maria opened her mouth wide, waited for the right moment and…

"AAAAAAAUUUGGGH!" Steve screamed, the shriek causing nearly a large gaggle of half-asleep and grouchy SHIELD agents and Avengers up and about, muttering what was the entire hubbub

"Sorry Steve! I swear to God, I didn't know what the hey came over me!" Maria babbled nervously as Steve rubbed his sore neck

"Yeah, right. If you think I'm **that** gullible, you're crazy. So what the heck did you bite my neck for anyway and…" Steve stopped, his face turning pale white as Maria stared back at him, her eyes glowing red; licking her chops and a hint of a forked tongue became visible.

"Uh… Maria? Wha-Why are you…looking at me like that?" Steve shivered, Maria leaning in closer, hissing like a seducing snake

"I need something to avoid indigestion, something…*fresh*." Maria rasped. That did it. Steve's eyes instantly went completely bulging large and dashed out his cabin and ran for his life, shrieking like a banshee as the Avengers watched him

"Huh, he's not that much of a morning guy, is he?" Bruce joked cluelessly. Fury simply rolled his eyes and asked a completely oblivious Maria "What the hell did you do?"

"Oh, honestly. First Steve asked me this then he started becoming like a major, MAJOR mama's boy whimp then started ranting on and on about why I bit his neck before I leaned in to smooch him, he went and scattered outa there shrieking like a giant meteor was about to crush us!" Maria rambled, Stark recording it on his Iphone

"You're gonna post this on MeTube, right?" Loki quietly asked Stark, out of Fury's hearing aid

"Oh yes. Man, the look on Sharon's face will be priceless!" Stark grinned, cackling to himself _This thing between Cap and Hill may work to my advantage…_

_The next morning…_

Steve was in a rather foul mood. His neck felt like getting stung by a giant hornet, his eyes could barely stay open, and worse of all an anonymous wiseguy had the nerve to lace up Steve's clothes with itching cream, causing a large amount of scratching and leading to an irate Thor giving the latter a wedgie. At least that helped him clear his mind of Maria biting him on the neck. However, as soon as Steve sat down on the laptop couch, he gasped in horror on what he saw: A Twitter video of Steve screaming when Maria bit him on the neck. He had a pretty good idea just **who** would be responsible…

"Steve up yet?" Clint asked Stark, as he, Barton, Black Widow, Thor, Sif, Loki and Quicksilver were lounging in the recreation room, playing a round of cards.

"Meh, depends. If he saw that video on Twitter, that is…" Stark snickered, as Thor gave him a disgusted look

"Don't let yourself get overheated brother. You'll get used to his sense of humor." Loki replied appealingly, pouring a cup of coffee into everyone's cups before, when all of a sudden…

"STAAAAAARRRRRKKKKKK!" Steve's roar echoed through the Helicarrier, Thor spitting his coffee on an unaware- and definitely **not** amused Wanda. Thor chuckled meekly as he rubbed the stains off of her beloved dress

"And **that** little stunt of yours just cost you your dance partner at the Genosha Ball tonight! Male chauvinist pig!" Wanda grunted, exiting in a huff

"Sheesh, what's the problem with your sister, Pietro? Yesterday, she spray-painted that MCP junk all over my Lamborghini. It took me five whole hours to get it off!" Stark replied as Quicksilver just drank his coffee before Steve grabbed Stark by the shirt collar

"You have a lot of BALLS to do this RIDICULOUS piece of SMUT by placing this ASININE PIECE of ANAL CRAPOLA! ON! MY! TWITTERPET!" Steve bellowed, shaking Stark like mad, the Avengers watching in shock

"Hehehe, he said balls." Clint giggled. Natasha thwacked him up the head. "That aint no laughing matter, Clint Barton and **you** of all people should know that! Remember what happened in Geneva?" she reminded, everyone groaning in boredom

"Oh God, not **that** again…" Bruce groaned, having heard the story before "Nat, honey it was just a one-time thing. That lady was doing that for a charity!" Clint explained

"Really? And what charity may **that** be? The 'Do Sex Behind Your Fiancé's Back' Charity? Hah! You've been doing nothing but being a couch potato, guzzling all my hooch and wearing out my mattress with your six-ton ass!" Natasha hissed

"This is gonna be one of those days…" Loki reminded Thor, listening amongst the two on and off couple squabbling

"One of these days, those two seriously, **seriously** need to see a relationship counselor." Thor groaned

"Yeah, or get a padded room with Thorazine drip." Bucky quipped from the hallway

"I HEARD THAT!" Thor bellowed, hot on Bucky's tail

To be continued…

**So it looks like things are getting chaotic once more on the Helicarrier? Can Maria control her vampire problem? Can Steve try to be more manly and less of a fish-out-of-water geek? And will Clint and Natasha settle their differences with either love… or dropping a piano on the latter's head? And when, oh when will Fury ****ever**** regain control of his out-of-control team? Read Chapter 2 soon and find out! Until then, Auf Wiedersen!**


	2. Chapter 2

**There's Something About Maria by Batman100**

**Chapter 2: Hectic Bedlam**

After the frenzied squabble between Clint and Natasha, Steve finally cooled his nerves in the sauna. He was about to turn on the bubbles when a bubble-covered figure rose from the water

"GAAAAHHHHHH! HELP! MONSTER!" Steve screamed, running frantically through the bridge in the nude, to the utter joy of the SHIELD agents- and Steve's embarrassment

"Steve, what the hell is the problem and- OH MY GOD!" Jane burst out, laughing hysterically, banging her fist on the table in mirth. SHIELD officers were rolling on the floor, giggling maniacally. Coulson managed to keep a straight face only to cackle loudly, as Stark stealthily recorded the incident on his portable Kodak camera

"You know Steve **will** kill you if he knows about this." Coulson reminded, before Stark waved a $1000 bill in his hand "Eh, what the hell"

"What the hey's all the commotion? I was in the bathtub, taking a dip when I got covered in bubble soap, then Steve came in and… **oh**." Bruce meekly muttered, as Steve's eye pupils shrank down to the size of a pea

"Wait…. So that was **you** under all that bubble mix? Does that mean, uh…" Steve muttered, before whispering into Bruce's ear. All at once, a loud siren echoed through the Helicarrier, with "Macho Man" blaring loudly over the loudspeakers, with a massive conga line of SHIELD officers lead by a flamboyantly dressed Stark, all bellowing the chorus:

_Macho, macho man. _

_I gotta be a macho man_

_Gotta be a macho, macho man, yea-ah_

_I gotta be a MACHO!_

"Now hold a second… Is it 'nacho' or 'taco?'" Clint cluelessly asked. Natasha rolled her eyes and grabbed him by the arm "Shut up and conga!" she hissed as a mariachi band played a Muzak version of Michael Jackson's Thriller

"What the hell is all that racket?!" Bucky grumbled grouchily, opening the cabin door only to be trampled by a stampeding parade of frenzied SHIELD agents, all drunk with excitement… and a hint of liquor

"Ooh, pretty birdies. And stars, so shiny…" Bucky babbled as an irate Sif hoisted him to the medical ward, Bucky in a straitjacket


	3. Chapter 3

**There's Something About Maria Chapter 3**

**AIDS- Avengers Insanity Driving Syndrome**

**Authors Note: No relation whatsoever to the actual AIDS syndrome or any diseases.**

Steve felt like he was going crazy. Ever since Maria bit him and after the 'naked' incident yesterday, he almost believed he wasn't on a ship but in a madhouse full of crazies! Steve was about to enter his cabin for much-needed sanity recharging, when he made the mistake of entering the bathroom to see a ghastly sight

"Hey Steve" Maria's voice came out of nowhere. Steve looked around through the room "W-where the hell are you?" he asked frantically, his hairs growing larger as Maria dangled behind him.

"MARIA! WHAT IN THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" Steve shrieked in horror, stumbling over backwards before tripping over the carpet and tumbling into the tub. He groaned and was flabbergasted by seeing Maria dangling on the wall, her toenails now talons clinging onto the ceiling. "I haven't the slightest idea what you're saying Steven. I actually like the view from here." Maria replied rather calmly as Steve just rolled his eyes

"Oh great. Just what I need; the only person with much sanity and dignity I can live with is now hanging like a loose plant in my personal bathroom!" Steve groaned as Maria unknowingly inched toward his neck

"How about a little kiss? It'll make all the pain go away." Maria purred seductively, Steve oblivious to the red gleam in her eyes. "Ah, what the hell." Steve muttered, puckering his lips as Maria opened her mouth, her fangs glinting in the light..

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Steve screamed as SHIELD officers absently ignored his pleas

_Meanwhile, back in the recreation room…_

"Jeez, what kind of lunatic runs around the Helicarrier naked?! I've seen Steve do quite a lot of ridiculous nonsense before, but this one takes the bloody cake!" Sharon ranted, taking a sip of coffee when all at once, a loud bloodcurdling scream pierced the air

"What in the name of Odin was that?" Thor asked curiously, patting Sharon on the back, causing her to spit out her coffee- and on Wanda's face… again.

"heh heh… Oops." Sharon meekly giggled as Wanda gave the plucky SHIELD agent an irate stare

"One of these days, one of these days I will hunt down every single female-dominating animal on this planet and I will tear them limb from limb until I go insane and turn this godforsaken earth into a hellish bedlam!" Wanda ranted madly, before revealing her cleavage bottom to a particularly stunned group of Avengers, exiting in a huff muttering thoughts about forming a new feminist advocacy group

"Sometimes, she scares me." Bruce finally gasped as Wanda was out of hearing. "Bah, you said it brother. By the way, who the hell was screaming? And…" Clint paused as a totally freaked-out Steve entered the area, his clothes tattered in shreds, hair frizzled like it was electrocuted, and two small holes on his neck

"No, no let me guess… She bit you, didn't she?" Natasha asked sarcastically.

"Does it **look** like Steve had two tetanus shots in his neck?" Sharon hissed. "Ask a stupid question…" Loki groaned, facepalming in disgust.

Steve then smooched Thor on the mouth, babbled an unintelligible phrase in Sweden and simply collapsed

"Whatever the hell he said, I don't wanna hear the translation." Tony quipped as Thor spat out the slobber off his face and onto an unsuspecting Wanda

"Aaugh! Thor, you're just digging yourself deeper and deeper! You can just kiss your fifty pound check Arrivederci, you filthy, muscular male chauvinist pig!" Wanda screamed, before heading to a door by the window

"Wanda, wait! That's the…" Clint started, trying to warn Wanda but to no avail. She slipped on a banana peel and careened downward toward the cargo hold.

"AAAAARRRGHHH! DAMN YOU, MALE CHAUVINIST PIGS!" Wanda shrieked, before landing into the cargo hold with a loud splintering crash

"…emergency skydive exit." Clint finished, as Wanda's curses and incoherent spouts of fury rambled unintelligibly.

"One of these days, we have **got** to get her to a nunnery." Pietro muttered in disgust

"Yeah, that or a mental ward." Stark quipped


End file.
